Cabbages
by ChemicallyEnhanced
Summary: Miyagi finds himself turned into a cabbage. Oh no! What will happen next? Crackfic. Purely for cheap entertainment.


Disclaimer: I don't own Junjou Romantica because it would be too cracky if I did.

Why did I think of this...

* * *

Miyagi shivered; it really was too damn cold in his apartment right now. He shuffled forward to find that one source of heat that always punched and snapped at him, but found he couldn't even move his arms. _Wait…what's happening? Is this sleep paralysis? Am I dead? Wait, I'm not old enough to be dead yet. Or am I? Must have been all those cigarettes I've been smoking but Shinobu insists I stop. Wait, if I'm dead…then why can I still feel cold?_ Interrupting his own internal monologue/panic, Miyagi shifted a little again. When that didn't work, he opened his eyes—or…well, what _would_ be his eyes if he had any.

Wait, what? What the hell was happening? All he could see was the off-white inside of…somewhere, and currently he was sitting very uncomfortably on something that had bars. An old bottle of beer here, a cabbage there—wait…was this the refrigerator? God-dammit. Miyagi was immensely confused. What was he doing in here? How did he even fit? And why in the world he feel like he was approaching his very doom in a few minutes?

He was mulling over all these weird questions when the refrigerator door opened and Shinobu's irritated face peeked in. The younger boy seemed to be searching for something in here, his gaze turning determined when he looked right at Miyagi.

 _Oi! Shinobu-chin! What's that look for? You aren't planning anything…terrorist are you?_

Alas, Miyagi's questions went unanswered, as Shinobu picked him up—wait, what? Miyagi was pretty sure Shinobu wasn't _that_ strong—and carried him over to the countertop, where a pot of boiling water awaited.

 _Oh my god, am I a fucking cabbage? No, that can't be. But what else does Shinobu-chin cook besides cabbages?! Oh god, I'm about to be cooked and I'll die and never be able to tease Shinobu-chin again! Wait, actually….no, that's not right. Shinobu-chin always looks so adorable whenever his face gets scrunched up and red and looking like he needs a fu—okay, don't think about that. Can cabbages get erections? I don't even know._

Through all of Miyagi's inner thoughts, Shinobu had placed two more cabbages on the counter and checked on the water.

"Miyagi will appreciate this for sure this time! I'll make sure of it," He said, a determined gleam in his stormy grey eyes. "And then he'll stop calling me a dependent brat!"

 _But you_ are _one, Shinobu-chin. I mean, it doesn't bother me_ that _much, but you should learn how to be independent instead of relying on me or your father all the time for things and god-dammit, I sound like my father again. Still. I wouldn't mind you being independent a bit more, Shinobu-chin, just…not too much so—ugh, I sound sentimental. Oh well, it's not like he'll hear any of this anyways. Just don't leave, brat, or I'll never forgive you. Can cabbages blush?_

Miyagi felt a sense of doom rise within him as Shinobu chopped the other two heads of cabbage and sprinkled them into the pot. He prayed to God that he'd lose consciousness before the horrible burning that was to come took place and caused him more agony than he needed. Shinobu raised his knife above Miyagi's…whatever it was, his head or dick or something, and paused. Hesitated. Miyagi flinched, wondering what was going through Shinobu's head right at this moment.

 _Probably 'This cabbage looks like shit' or something,_ Miyagi joked to himself.

Well, he was partly right. Shinobu poked at him, his finger moving dangerously close to—ahem—Miyagi's private parts….he thinks. He really couldn't be too sure in this situation; everything felt the same to him.

Shinobu's eyes narrowed. "Hmm…this one doesn't look right…"

 _Hah, maybe now I won't die! Yatta!_

In another second, Shinobu shrugged, said an indifferent "Meh", and dumped Miyagi into the pot before he could even tell what was happening. _OH MY GOD, SO MUCH PAIN_!

Miyagi jerked up in bed, sweating and chest heaving. Shinobu next to him grumbled quietly and shifted a bit. "M-miyagi? What is it?"

He turned to where Shinobu, his Shinobu who thank the heavens wasn't cooking him, was rubbing his eyes and glaring petulantly at his older lover. With an inward sigh of relief, Miyagi lay back down in bed and pulled Shinobu to him, engulfing the smaller body in his arms. "Nothing, Shinobu-chin. Absolutely nothing…"

* * *

That night, Miyagi flinched when he saw Shinobu cutting into a head of cabbage and the university student had no idea why.

* * *

A/N: Oh my god, this was so much fun for me to write. I have no regrets.

-ChemicallyEnhanced


End file.
